#13: Children See, Children Do

In the seventh session of the relationship improvement class, we talk about ways to become an "influential parent." By "influential" we mean, of course, that it is our goal to influence our children in a positive way. But the truth remains—if you are a parent, you influence your children. Whether or not that influence is positive depends on you.

Above all, you cannot expect more of your children than you expect from yourself. If you are an addict, you cannot expect your kids to be sober. If you are cruel, you cannot expect your kids to be kind. If you are rash, you cannot expect your kids to be level-headed. If you are a bigot, you cannot expect your kids to be accepting. If you are vulgar, you cannot expect your kids to be well-mannered. If you are abusive, you cannot expect your kids to be gentle. If you are a victim, you cannot expect your kids to take a stand against their would-be oppressors.

More often than not, our children magnify the things we do, both positive and negative. They are better than us at the things in which we excel, and they struggle more than us with the things that we call our vices. With that in mind, may the influence that we have on our children be positive.

Click on the following link to see a powerful video reminder of the truthfulness of this principle - Children See, Children Do

#12: Mere Awkward, Senseless Shame

As you would expect, in the relationship improvement class, we talk about things that we can do to improve certain aspects of our relationships. [I know—heavy stuff. Just take a minute to process ... OK, keep reading.] They are often simple things such as giving service, asking sincere questions, and so on. I say that these things are simple, and they truly seem so in our abstract thoughts or even in our concrete plans, and yet so often we fail to do them. The question we must ask ourselves is, why? If these things were as easy as they appear to us to be, we would just do them, wouldn't we?

It seems to me that the simple answer to this question is, of course, yes. What is it then that makes these things hard? Beloved author C.S. Lewis offers this poignant insight: "I sometimes think that shame, mere awkward, senseless shame, does as much towards preventing good acts and straightforward happiness as any of our vices can do" (A Grief Observed, p. 9).

Let me first point out the important relationship between good acts and happiness that can be inferred from reading Lewis' statement. When we do good, we feel good. When we fail to do the good things we know we should do, we do not. And don't fool yourself into thinking that we don't know what we should do. We know what we ought to do, or at least we know how to find out what we ought to do, especially if we trust the Lord's promise that the "Holy Ghost ... will teach [us] all things" (John 14:26) that we should do on those occasions when we feel that don't already know exactly how to proceed.

The question is thus renewed: Why do we fail to do these things? If we believe Lewis, it is often because of "awkward, senseless shame." We fail to perform good acts that would lead to our happiness and that of others because we feel awkward, because we are embarrassed, because we fear how we will be received.

What selfish creatures we are! The paradox, however, is that our selfishness robs our "selves" and those that we profess to care about of happiness. The sooner we realize what idiots we are, the better. Can we please just get over ourselves already? Don't worry about how someone else will react; when you feel to do good, do good. I promise that both you as the doer and the recipient of your deed will be the better for it.

Let me offer an example from my recent past to illustrate. About a week ago, I was returning a video that I had rented when I noticed a man putting his fingers into some nearby vending machines, presumably to look for forgotten change. I thought to myself, "I bet he could use some money." I didn't have any cash, so I thought, "Oh well, I guess I can't help." Instead, I offered a quick prayer as I drove away, the substance of which was something like, "Father in Heaven, I don't know what exactly that man needs, but please help him to get it. Please inspire someone to know what to do for him."

I thought that would be the end of that, and I continued on my way home. But then a thought came into my mind—he had inspired someone to help, and that someone was me. I had failed. I tried to reason with myself, rationalizing that even if I had cash I couldn't have helped him. After all, who just goes up to a stranger (particularly a stranger that has not made a direct plea for my help—or did he? Maybe he asked God, and I just happened to be close by) and says, "Hey, can I give you some money?" That would be awkward; I would feel weird doing that. I tried to keep going toward my house, but I couldn't. I felt compelled to turn around. But what was I going to do? I still didn't have any money, and now I didn't even know where the man was. He was surely not where I had last seen him; he had been walking.

"Well," I thought, "at least I can fix the 'no-money-in-my-pocket' thing." I pulled into the nearest bank, went to the ATM, and withdrew a small sum of money. "Now what good does this do?" I thought next. "All I've done is waste money on ATM fees, because that wasn't even my bank. Besides, even if I knew where this guy was, it would still be awkward to just go up and hand him money."

I did my best to replace these thoughts quickly. I prayed instead, saying, in essence, "So now what God?" I got the impression that I should turn my car left out of the bank parking lot and head toward a nearby discount store. Sure enough, walking along the sidewalk, checking the vending machines in front of this store just as he had been doing when I had seen him at the video store, was the man for whom I was searching. "OK, I guess this is it," I thought as I parked my car and got out.

Truthfully, I still felt awkward. I didn't know what to say to this man. I knew nothing about him except that we were both children of the same Father, and our Dad had asked me to give him a little help. I tried to think of something reasonable to say, but nothing came. I ran out of time as I came face to face with him on the sidewalk. So, I did the only thing I could do—I told him the simple truth. "Excuse me," I said to him, holding out my hand with the money in it. "I just wanted to give you this." And do you know what? It wasn't awkward at all. He simply looked into my eyes, smiled, and said, "Thank you very much." As he put the money in his pocket, I looked back into his eyes, returned his smile, and said, "Have a nice night." "You too," he replied. And that was it. He continued on his way and I on mine. I can't speak for that man; I don't know exactly how he felt. One thing I can say, though, is that as I got back in my car and drove home, I didn't feel embarrassed or weird. I felt happy, and I hoped that my brother did too. Judging by the way he responded to me, I'd say it was pretty likely.

And so, I say again, get over yourself. Don't worry about feeling awkward; just do good in the world. Good acts and straightforward happiness really do go hand in hand. Our Savior "went about doing good" (Acts 10:38), and so should we. I close with the words of lyricist Will Thompson:

"Then wake up and do something more - Than dream of your mansion above - Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure - A blessing of duty and love."

#11: And His Name Shall Be Called ...

First of all, let me say that the forthcoming commentary alluded to in #10 is in the works. I also wanted to add an addendum to "#9: Finding a Therapist," so here it is.

In #9, I offered various tools and tips to help you find a counselor that would be best suited to help you continue the process of improving your relationships. Though I believe that these things are important, I neglected to mention that which to me is the most important aspect of choosing a counselor.

Over 700 years before the birth of Christ, the ancient prophet Isaiah foretold His birth. In one such prophecy (familiar to many due to its inclusion in Handel's Messiah), Isaiah listed several names by which the Savior of the world would be known: "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given ... and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6).

When we consider the many titles by which we could reverence Jesus the Christ, it is of note that one of the first included here by Isaiah is "Counselor." More than any mortal, the Lord Jesus is qualified to assume this title. Additionally, the other titles listed here help us to understand why Christ is and forever will be our greatest counselor.

"Wonderful" - Some synonyms of this word include "amazing," "breathtaking," "magnificent," and "brilliant." Jesus is definitely a brilliant and magnificent counselor—but why? Because He is "The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace." He is the God of the Universe, omnipotent in His understanding. He knows each of us by name and has suffered our very pains; He understands perfectly the difficulties that we experience. Isaiah further describes the Mortal Messiah as "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Yes, Christ is acquainted with grief, but not just any grief—our grief. Isaiah continues, "Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" (Isaiah 53:4, emphasis added). Because He gave himself a ransom, because He is "touched with the feeling of our infirmities ... in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin" (Hebrews 4:15), He has become "The everlasting Father" of our salvation. This is true not only in the post-mortal sense, but in every day and trial of our mortal lives as well. He has the power to save us from addiction, depression, negative family patterns, and every other destructive force that we might face. He does not promise us a life of ease, but we can be assured that if we look to Him as our Primary Care Provider (see Luke 5:31), we will have peace in the midst of affliction. He, "The Prince of Peace," gives to his loyal followers this promise: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27).

To close, in addition to the questions given in "#9: Choosing a Therapist," I would advise you to ask yourself a couple of others when trying to find a counselor. First, "Am I looking to Christ as the source of my salvation first, or am I trying to substitute something earthly for His healing power?" Second, "Does my therapist try to fix my problems, or does he/she direct me to the Source of real change, even Jesus?" For, as noted in holy writ, "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save" (Zephaniah 3:17)—if you will choose Him as your most important counselor.

#10: What is Truth?

After sinister scribes and plotting Pharisees had presented the Mortal Messiah as a criminal before Pontius Pilate, the Roman ruler asked the Christ the following question before declaring Jesus’ innocence to the Jews: “What is truth?” (See John 18:38)

Though no immediate response to Pilate’s inquiry was recorded by Christ’s beloved disciple, an examination of the Lord’s own words and those of His appointed servants can help us gain an increased understanding of what His answer to that question was and is. In the future, expect to see several posts that address the scriptural definitions of/synonyms for the word "truth," as well as some of its scriptural correlates. This information will supplement the discussions from the relationship improvement class about truth and its transformative power.

#9: Finding a Therapist

Many of the students in the relationship improvement class have asked me about how to find a counselor or therapist that can further assist them in the processes of making their lives and relationships better. My answer to such inquiries is that the process of finding a counselor will vary according to each individual's situation. However, there are some questions that each person can ask himself/herself in order to determine which route would be best for him/her; there are also resources for these individuals to use to find a counselor in their local area that matches what they are looking for after having answered these questions. Here are some of the questions to consider and some resources to help you find the counselor that is right for you.

Questions

1) The first question to ask yourself is, "What kind of counseling do I want (individual, group, couple, family, etc.)?"

2) After having answered this question, you will probably want to ask something like, "What kind of background, specialty, and/or credentials do I want my therapist to have?"

In the counseling profession as it currently stands, there are basically 5 major counseling disciplines/professional licenses: Psychiatry, Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy, Clinical Social Work, and Professional Counseling. A good description of the general requirements for licensure in each of these areas can be found by clicking here (go to the pulldown menu at the top of the page under "Wasatch Mental Health," scroll down, and click on the "Guide to Selecting a Therapist" option). Note that the requirements listed are the minimum necessary to obtain a license, and that these requirements may vary a bit from state to state. It is possible that a given practitioner could have more than the minimum required credentials. In fact, the disciplines of Clinical Social Work and Marriage and Family Therapy have specialized doctoral degrees (DSW and DMFT) that therapists can pursue in addition to the required Master's degree and supervised experience. A Professional Counselor might also have a Ph.D or an Ed.D in addition to the requisite Master's degree and supervised experience.

3) On the same webpage given above (follow the same directions), there is a good list of preliminary questions to consider when choosing a therapist. It includes things like financial concerns, time commitments, etc. I would advise you to take a look at these and answer them; also note the follow-up questions to ask yourself after the first visit.

4) If money is a primary concern for you, you would be wise to inquire about the possibility of a sliding fee scale based on a patient's income, whether or not a particular provider accepts Medicaid, the possibility of financial assistance, etc.

Finding a Therapist

Each of the mental health disciplines has its own professional organization(s). If you visit the websites of these organizations, you can find tools to locate a therapist in your local area that meets the credentialing standards of the particular organization in question. Below is a list of links to these various "Therapist Finder" tools.

Psychology - American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator

Marriage and Family Therapy - AAMFT Therapist Locator

Clinical Social Work - National Association of Social Workers Help Starts Here

Professional Counseling - American Mental Health Counselors Association Find-A-Counselor

Notes/Additional Information

You may want to search your state's resources for each of these disciplines as well. To get started, try using Google to search, for example, "Michigan Association for Marriage and Family Therapy" or "Nevada Psychological Association" - just use your state's name and the name of the particular mental health discipline you want to search.

There are also many different kinds of facilities such as hospitals and large mental health facilities that employ various kinds of counseling professionals and offer a variety of different options. You may want to do a Google search for such facilities in your area.

If you desire counseling from a practitioner or group that has religious ties and/or specializes in serving a particular religious population, you can either contact your ecclesiastical leader (pastor, etc.), go to your congregation's own website, or do a Google search of such services in your area.

I hope that you find these resources and suggestions useful; I wish you the best in finding a counselor that can help you as you progress along the path toward achieving your individual and relationship goals.